The Golden Key To A Woman’s Heart
After a long delay that included a vacation with my darling wife for our sixth anniversary, it’s time for another installment. Last time I spoke directly to women about finding a true man of love and honor; a true gentleman. I was speaking to men as well, because if you want that woman you dream of, then work on becoming the man she will be looking for! All the initial loving feelings in a marriage will not make up for the things you wish your husband had, or ways you wish he would act, but does not.
This time I am talking to men directly, but also to women. Over the years of counseling, women have told what they want in their husband/boyfriend. I’ve summarized all these longings under this the heading, The Golden Key To A Woman’s Heart. I know is sounds cheesy, but it is simple and to the point. Women have said they want at least these four things from their men. And as several women have said rather wistfully in couples counseling, “If he would do these there is no end to what I would do for him.” I’m saying these to men for obvious reasons. Women, look for a man who is this to you – who treats you like this.
- A woman longs to be your Treasure, and longs for you to treat her like your Treasure. How would you treat and act toward the most valuable thing or person you know? Do you remember the early days or your love together; when you could not get enough of her or do enough for her? She was everything to you, and your love for her was consuming. How did you treat her then? That’s what a woman longs for. She doesn’t want to be a princess, but she does want to be the most treasured person in your world.
- A women does not want to be number one, (dramatic pause), because number one is comparative; who or what is number two on any day, and how close are they to over-taking her in your heart? Couples come in with such deep disconnection because a man has made work, or sports, or money, or his friends, or the bar, or the golf course, or cars, or a thousand things, number one. Sadly, a wife will tell me that she knew these things were important to him before they married, but she didn’t know how important until it was too late. So men, make sure there is no rival in your heart for her. Make sure there is no number two closing the gap. That does not mean you can’t have interests, but it does mean they live in a different world than the one where your wife/girlfriend lives. In this world she is the singular one, the only one, the one with no rivals. She is all. There is a beautiful song called “The Luckiest” by Ben Folds from the equally beautiful movie, “About Time,” there is a line that says this, “And is a wide sea of eyes I see one pair that I recognize.” That’s it – only her, ever only her. (Great date night movie, BTW). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_latgzoqoSE
- Ok men – you will never understand this, so don’t try; just do it and you’ll be happy. Here it is – A woman wants to be pursued all her days just like you pursued her when you tried to get her to say, “I do.” Women need this, their hearts long for it. It is not a game or some kind of manipulation, and it certainly is not hoops to jump through to get sex. You see, men think this way, “I’m on the bus, why do I need to keep the ticket?” But for a woman, there is always another bus! Men act like marrying her is like conquering a castle. You’ve won, now it’s time to eat, watch sports, have sex, and sleep. But for a woman’s heart, there is always another castle. So men, never stop dating your wife! Never stop flirting with her! Never get tired of her body or love! Never stop – not ever. If you pursue your wife in the same way you did when you were trying to get her to love you, you will have a marriage that is more than you can imagine; that’s what women have told me.
- The last one is a metaphor. A woman longs to be able to rest in your shade. She wants to be secure in knowing that you’ve got it covered in every way she needs – relationally, financially, emotionally, sexually, in your career, and in life. This is not a hierarchy; it is not a one-up, one-down relationship, but a true equality that recognizes the needs of each of our hearts. A woman wants to just be able to breathe without a sigh of longing or regret, because her man has it, and she does not have to lay down the tracks for the marriage to ride on. He’s got it; he’s a true man and a true gentleman.
That’s it! Many women have cried when I go over this in counseling, especially at the last point. Some wives have come in knowing they have married little boys and not men, and they long for the arms and heart and bed of a man, because they never signed up to be a mommy. So men, first – do these four things for her, not for you. If you do them for you then you have missed then entire point. This is about HER, not you! Love her! Treasure her! Make her the singular one in your eyes and heart! Pursue her, and be a man to her! You will make her so deeply happy and grateful that you are her husband, and like some clients have said, you have no idea what she will do to love you in return when you love her like this.
Men, always be this man, and always be in the process of becoming this man more and more. Women, look for this man and never settle for anyone else.